Things to bring for your stay in England

For your upcoming trip to our beautiful green and pleasant land, may I recommend that you be SURE to pack the following:

A hat that will remain fastened to your head in winds of 80 miles per hour
A pair of wellies
Snorkel
Goggles
A waterproof jacket and trousers
Waterproof handbag
Several pairs of wool socks
Wool jumpers
At least two pairs of gloves as you will surely lose one
Same for scarves
Thermal underwear (more than one, please)
Hot water bottles (one for feet and one for chest)
One new umbrella for each day of your stay (these are usually decimated in 3 seconds flat by our strong winds)
A Mac
Cough medicine
Lozenges
Vitamin D tablets (we have no sun)
Medical insurance for when you need hospitalisation for pneumonia or bronchitis (from getting soaking wet and freezing cold daily)
A flask to carry whiskey or brandy (for when the train or bus you are on breaks down and the driver asks you to disembark in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night due to 'unseasonal weather')
A lot of money
A sense of humour

Things not to bring:
Your raw food diet (unless you wish to freeze to death)
Sunglasses
Clothing that exposes any skin at all to the elements
Anything valuable that could be destroyed by rain and damp (such as family photographs)
A bicycle